Not the history of the sweater that we've been waiting for

Jumper



Trailer Here

"Now get this: what if we make Hiro Nakamura sexy?"

Directed by: Doug Liman
Starring: Samuel Motherfucking L Jackson, Hayden Christensen


Here's one of those scenarios where I find it hard to reconcile my genuine love of cinema with the fact I spent far too much time as a youth with comic books and weirdly shaped dice clutched in my sweaty little fist. And by "youth" I mean "33-year-old man who should know better".
So the slavishly nerdy part of my brain – what I believe is called the Geekacampus – thinks: "Fuuuuck! Teleporting! Fuuuuck! Time/space rifts! Fuuuuck! Samuel Jackson with fucking weird weapon shit! Fuuuuck!"
Then the part capable of critical thinking – let's call it the Artschoolwanker Node – notes that we've got Hayden Bloody "Little Wooden Boy Mark II" Christensen in a lead role despite the fact that his only achievement to date has been to make Ryan Phillipe look good. And that while I love Doug Liman, he's only done one good action film (The Bourne Identity in case you've been under a fucking cinematic rock) and one extremely mediocre one (Mr & Mrs Smith which I do forgive you all for not recalling).
So, when the Motherfucking L uses what might well be a jet-powered grappling gun to drag Little Wooden Boy Mark II backward through a tear in space, part of me wants to hyperventilate, while another part notes that the whole trailer is so MTV-esque in its frenetic editing that you can't actually quite tell what's going on and certainly get no real inkling of the plot-at-large – usually a very, very bad sign. Oh and the "JMPR" morphing into "JUMPER" – remember kids, vowels are totally not extreme – made me so angry I swore out loud. In the office. In front of a visiting nun who'd brought puppies to visit. Fact.
So, I'll be there to watch this baby in the cinema, but I'll be prepared to be disappointed. But in conversation, I'll carefully hedge my bets, so it looks like I was right no matter what happens. Done, put a coat on.

HIT PREDICTION:Let's be honest, even if it sucks people will flock to watch it...