Blood AND oil? That's just greedy!

There Will Be Blood



Trailer Here

"You know what kids love more than porn stars? Oil barons!"

Directed by: Paul Thomas Anderson
Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Paul Dano, Ciaran Hinds


Wow. Seriously, this is almost a fucking PSA on how not to make a movie trailer. I mean lets be clear – I think the movie will be great. I love PT Anderson, I love Danny Day-Lo and I love sprawling epics about the venal nature of the human condition. But this fucking trailer is snooze fest central. It didn't help that the name of the film is the tag line for the Saw movies, so I actually thought I'd be watching a trailer for the latest tale of Jigsaw and his death by Rube Goldberg Machine obsessions. Instead it's turn of the century Day-Lo droning on about oil... and family... and oil... and then there's an explosion just to see if you're awake... then droning... Honestly, as a friend of mine said, this looks more like a collection of dailies that someone set to very, very boring music than a finished trailer. And given that the scuttlebutt on the filmic streets is that this fucker is awesome and probably a shoe-in for Paul taking home the Little Gold Man With No Genitals, I really hope someone gives this a spit and a polish before it makes it to the Australian cinemas.


HIT PREDICTION:It's going to be a surprise hit – but only surprising because everyone slept through the trailer and forgot they'd heard about the film

Not the history of the sweater that we've been waiting for

Jumper



Trailer Here

"Now get this: what if we make Hiro Nakamura sexy?"

Directed by: Doug Liman
Starring: Samuel Motherfucking L Jackson, Hayden Christensen


Here's one of those scenarios where I find it hard to reconcile my genuine love of cinema with the fact I spent far too much time as a youth with comic books and weirdly shaped dice clutched in my sweaty little fist. And by "youth" I mean "33-year-old man who should know better".
So the slavishly nerdy part of my brain – what I believe is called the Geekacampus – thinks: "Fuuuuck! Teleporting! Fuuuuck! Time/space rifts! Fuuuuck! Samuel Jackson with fucking weird weapon shit! Fuuuuck!"
Then the part capable of critical thinking – let's call it the Artschoolwanker Node – notes that we've got Hayden Bloody "Little Wooden Boy Mark II" Christensen in a lead role despite the fact that his only achievement to date has been to make Ryan Phillipe look good. And that while I love Doug Liman, he's only done one good action film (The Bourne Identity in case you've been under a fucking cinematic rock) and one extremely mediocre one (Mr & Mrs Smith which I do forgive you all for not recalling).
So, when the Motherfucking L uses what might well be a jet-powered grappling gun to drag Little Wooden Boy Mark II backward through a tear in space, part of me wants to hyperventilate, while another part notes that the whole trailer is so MTV-esque in its frenetic editing that you can't actually quite tell what's going on and certainly get no real inkling of the plot-at-large – usually a very, very bad sign. Oh and the "JMPR" morphing into "JUMPER" – remember kids, vowels are totally not extreme – made me so angry I swore out loud. In the office. In front of a visiting nun who'd brought puppies to visit. Fact.
So, I'll be there to watch this baby in the cinema, but I'll be prepared to be disappointed. But in conversation, I'll carefully hedge my bets, so it looks like I was right no matter what happens. Done, put a coat on.

HIT PREDICTION:Let's be honest, even if it sucks people will flock to watch it...

Apparently "burning bush" isn't a euphemism for STD...

The Ten Commandments



Trailer Here

"It's the ultimate shaggy god story!"

Directed by:Bill Boyce & John Stronach
Starring: Christian Slater, Alfred Molina, Elliot Gould


"Holy shit!" I thought to myself upon watching this masterpiece, "It's Adso of Melk taking on Doc Octopus with a little magical assistance from Morton Shulman!" Yes, it's true – someone has not only made the long awaited animated version of the The Ten Commandments, they appear to have decided that Christian Slater would make a bitchin' Moses, Alfred Molina was destined to be Ramses and hey – lets cast self-proclaimed über-Jew Elliot Gould as God, so we can get a little "old shul" on people arses.
Two thing appeal to me in this trailer: one, the staff can't just become a snake, it's gotta become some kind of mega-serpent, you know, for the kids. And two: the completely bizarre Finding Nemo element to the parting of the Red Sea.
Seriously folks, while there's nothing wrong with this trailer technically, it's one of those wonderful and rare cases where you get an honest glimpse of just how shitty the finished product is going to be.


HIT PREDICTION:The biggest bible story for kids! Family First will love it

"What are you going to do – kill yourself?"

Wristcutters



Trailer Here

"The kids are still big on death, yeah?"

Directed by: Goran Dukic
Staring: Patrick Fuggit, Shannyn Sossamon, Shea Whigham


I thought this might make a nice second post as Shannyn Sossamon stars in both this and the aforementioned One Missed Call. Maybe I'm just a sucker for the downbeat-whimsical-magical-realism genre (actually fuck the maybe, I really am) but I can't see a fucking thing wrong with this trailer.
Lets look: you've got a cruelly depressing view of the afterlife, the awesomely named Patrick Fuggit (from Almost Famous) proving that the rumours he'd been sinking hundreds of thousands of dollars into plastic surgery to look like Lucas Haaz are true, and Ms Sossamon doing something other than renting herself out as the budget-rate Angelina Jolie. Oh – plus a Russian guitarist who commits suicide by guitar and Tom motherfucking WAITS, hopefully clawing back some credibility after appearing in Domino.
The pacing of the trailer is tight – giving us a little taste of whimsy, comedy and drama and saving the glimpse of Will Arnett as a divine representative (I assume) until the end and yes, that is a briefly appearing Sol Starr. I mean fuck – this is nearly the perfect trailer!
Director Goran Dukic – waging his one man war to prove that Croatians are secretly hilarious – gave us 1991's classic Mirta uci statistiku (Myrtha Learns Statistics). Add that to this trailer and I find myself living in hope that this film will be as good as The Thumbsucker only people might actually go watch it.


HIT PREDICTION:Hipster kids will love it, it'll be in cinemas for a week and the DVD sales will be just enough to get Goran a new gig

Just set the damn thing to silent

One Missed Call



Trailer Here

"Remember how people loved J-Horror remakes? Let's pretend they still do!"

Directed by: Eric Valette


You know what always works well? Getting a French director and making him do a remake of a Japanese horror flick for his first foray outside of Frankish filmmaking.
It actually make me wonder if this is some continuation of America’s loathing of the French people – I mean, the poor chap is remaking a Takashi Miike film and Miike is generally regarded as being good at this stuff (or, you know, good with the confinements of “it’s J-Horror so please ensure that nothing makes sense and there are great swathes of dullness between the moments of pantshitting terror”). So given that this trailer actually makes the abominable US-remake of Pulse look good then the only thing left to wonder about is just how quickly this will end up as a straight-to-DVD release. Or, having just rewatched the fucking thing, maybe even straight-to-landfill.

HIT PREDICTION:Do not be waiting for this to hit a cinema near you